Crying Kids...

Crying kids and a nagging wife is nature's way to get the man out of the house.

Men get sleepy after sex because it's nature's way to make sure he doesn't leave.

All a man needs is a maid and a dog.

A lot of smart men make stupid mistakes when it comes to pussy.

"Now where was I?"
"Same place as me.  In bed between her legs."

I've gotten many things out of pity...  and I enjoyed them all just as much.

I'd like to go to the opening between her legs.

Men are like dogs.  Treat them accordingly.

If I ever paid $200 for a shirt, it better come with a vagina.

Why do men prefer younger women?  Wouldn't you?

You Can't Be Older Than...

You can't be older than my ex-wife and still be alive.

Congratulations.  You figured it out.  Buy yourself a Snicker's bar.

I don't like graffiti.  unless it teaches me something.  Like anatomy.

She was licking on me like a snow cone at the county fair.

iPad Because iCan

Some call it addiction, others call it opportunity.

A Disposable Life

The Disposable Baby

Like my posts...  I'd rather make people laugh, but I'll settle for making them mad.

I always feel embarrassed when I fart while I'm girl-watching.

     thethingaboutmarriage.blogspot.com

She's So Easy

She's so easy Roger Ebert gives her two thumbs up...  her ass!

I love Las Vegas.  It's the only town where you won't get in trouble for hitting on 13.

Cigarettes are expensive, so you should quit buying them, but I bet you'll quit buying something else instead...  like medicine.

In the future, Spanglish will be the United States'official language, we'll spell phonetically with abreviations, and we'll have no vowels or numbers.

I'm really good at sex.  It's just hard to tell, because it's over so quick.

"I left early."
"Were you having a bad time?"
"No.  Actually, I was having a pretty good time."
"Then why would you leave?"
"What?"
"I can understand leaving if you weren't having a good time, but I don't understand having a good time and not staying.  Maybe if the cops showed up, or the bullets start flying."

To make a negative individual more positive, first make them wear an electric shock collar.  Then, whenever they say something negative, give them a nice jolt.  After awhile, they'll either become more positive, or they'll quit whining.  Either way, the world's a better place.

The love you have for your child is hard to describe.  Imagine the love you have for your dog.  It's almost as strong as that.

What A Bird Thinks:  "Thank you, God!  You've blessed me with the gift of flight... but I'd rather be stuck inside this cage.

She's so fat, if you want to have sex with her doggy-style, all you have to do is put a bowl of food on the floor.


The Thing About Marriage  @
     thethingaboutmarriage.blogspot.com
          jimduchene.blogspot.com
               @JimDuchene

I Thought About It...

I thought about it long.  I thought about it hard.  And not in the way that would get me gay benefits from the city of El Paso.

The word on the turd is...

A friend once told me he wanted to have sex with eagles.
     "So you can fly?" I asked him.
     "No," he said.  "I just want to have sex with an eagle."

I support disarmament of the violent criminal.

Law & Order:  El Paso

At the last minute I filed a restraining order.

Little person or little fucker?

He had that drunk eyes locked on nothing look.

...and puttered out of there in our Fred Flintstone car.

Both boobs a-blazin'!

     thethingaboutmarriage.blogspot.com
          @JimDuchene

Aroma Therapy For Men

The smell of...

A Wedding Ring
     Will make a man feel trapped.

A New Baby
     Has no effect on him whatsoever.  Besides, it may not even be his.

A New Woman
     A man will risk losing everything for the chance to sleep with a new woman.  After that, he never wants to see her again for the rest of his life.  Or until he gets horny again.  Whichever comes first.

A Home-Cooked Meal
     My ex-wife's cooking was so bad that we once gave leftovers to the homeless...  and they gave them back.

The Ocean
     The amount of salt in the ocean is the same amount of salt that's in our bodies.  In leiu of nothing funny to say, I thought I'd give you an interesting fact.

His Paycheck
     Will often make a man feel sad for two reasons.  One is that he knows he won't have it in his possession for very long, and the second is that he realizes that his paycheck is the only thing his wife is willing to blow.

The Best Defense

Can't get your little soldier to salute?  That's okay.  It's probably her fault, anyway.  Even if it's not, it's a good idea to make her think it is.

Ten Things Men Say When...Well, You Know

1.  I Blame YOU!

2.  Damn that ObamaCare thing!

3.  What?  Oh, nothing.  I was thinking about soething else.

4.  It must have been something you said.

5.  It must have been something you did.

6.  It must have been those extra pounds you put on.

7.  You're not feeding me right.

8.  C'mon, you're not really trying.

9.  My mom's been sick.

10.  It must be that medicine I took.

Oxytocin/Vasopressin

Her pussy was easier to get into than a Democrat's voting booth.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the speed to kick the ass of anybody who gets in my way.

If God's a woman, does that make the Devil a man?

Do you know what would look good on you?  Me.

Get the freak on.

If your wife always has her orgasm before her favoite soap opera comes on...  she might be faking it.

Jam your ham.

If there's ever a nuclear war, cockaroaches and my ex-wives are all that's gonna survive.

So ugly, when he was born her daddy went to the zoo and shot the monkey.

Want your wife to show enthusiam during sex?  Try taping a fifty dollar bill to the ceiling.