The smell of...
A Wedding Ring
Will make a man feel trapped.
A New Baby
Has no effect on him whatsoever. Besides, it may not even be his.
A New Woman
A man will risk losing everything for the chance to sleep with a new woman. After that, he never wants to see her again for the rest of his life. Or until he gets horny again. Whichever comes first.
A Home-Cooked Meal
My ex-wife's cooking was so bad that we once gave leftovers to the homeless... and they gave them back.
The Ocean
The amount of salt in the ocean is the same amount of salt that's in our bodies. In leiu of nothing funny to say, I thought I'd give you an interesting fact.
His Paycheck
Will often make a man feel sad for two reasons. One is that he knows he won't have it in his possession for very long, and the second is that he realizes that his paycheck is the only thing his wife is willing to blow.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
The Best Defense
Can't get your little soldier to salute? That's okay. It's probably her fault, anyway. Even if it's not, it's a good idea to make her think it is.
Ten Things Men Say When...Well, You Know
1. I Blame YOU!
2. Damn that ObamaCare thing!
3. What? Oh, nothing. I was thinking about soething else.
4. It must have been something you said.
5. It must have been something you did.
6. It must have been those extra pounds you put on.
7. You're not feeding me right.
8. C'mon, you're not really trying.
9. My mom's been sick.
10. It must be that medicine I took.
Ten Things Men Say When...Well, You Know
1. I Blame YOU!
2. Damn that ObamaCare thing!
3. What? Oh, nothing. I was thinking about soething else.
4. It must have been something you said.
5. It must have been something you did.
6. It must have been those extra pounds you put on.
7. You're not feeding me right.
8. C'mon, you're not really trying.
9. My mom's been sick.
10. It must be that medicine I took.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Oxytocin/Vasopressin
Her pussy was easier to get into than a Democrat's voting booth.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the speed to kick the ass of anybody who gets in my way.
If God's a woman, does that make the Devil a man?
Do you know what would look good on you? Me.
Get the freak on.
If your wife always has her orgasm before her favoite soap opera comes on... she might be faking it.
Jam your ham.
If there's ever a nuclear war, cockaroaches and my ex-wives are all that's gonna survive.
So ugly, when he was born her daddy went to the zoo and shot the monkey.
Want your wife to show enthusiam during sex? Try taping a fifty dollar bill to the ceiling.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the speed to kick the ass of anybody who gets in my way.
If God's a woman, does that make the Devil a man?
Do you know what would look good on you? Me.
Get the freak on.
If your wife always has her orgasm before her favoite soap opera comes on... she might be faking it.
Jam your ham.
If there's ever a nuclear war, cockaroaches and my ex-wives are all that's gonna survive.
So ugly, when he was born her daddy went to the zoo and shot the monkey.
Want your wife to show enthusiam during sex? Try taping a fifty dollar bill to the ceiling.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Get The Freak On
If she has her orgasm a few minutes before the Kardashians come on, she may be faking.
Whip your skippy.
If there's a nuclear war, Bill Clinton's gonna be what's left.
I don't know what happened. Things were going great, until she caught me playing her piano with my dick.
The Seven Deadly Sins: Sleepy, Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Doc, Horny... and Murder!
"I guess you don't like me much."
"I don't like you at all."
Hornier than a drunken Kennedy.
There's enough religion in the world to make men hate each other, but not enough to make them love each other.
The sex was so good you would have thought we were related.
She's so ugly her OB-GYN's a vet.
Whip your skippy.
If there's a nuclear war, Bill Clinton's gonna be what's left.
I don't know what happened. Things were going great, until she caught me playing her piano with my dick.
The Seven Deadly Sins: Sleepy, Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Doc, Horny... and Murder!
"I guess you don't like me much."
"I don't like you at all."
Hornier than a drunken Kennedy.
There's enough religion in the world to make men hate each other, but not enough to make them love each other.
The sex was so good you would have thought we were related.
She's so ugly her OB-GYN's a vet.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Me, Too.
Carlos "I Can Take An Ass-Kicking" Navar
Age is like a fine wine. After a certain point you turn sour, everything settles to the bottom, and they can't get rid of you quick enough.
I'm at an age where a birthday doesn't mean you're a year older, it means you're a year closer to death.
Porno mags. Naked and can't talk. That's the best part of it.
How else can you explain Christie Brinkley?
She wore a peek-a-boo nightie. First I peeked, then I booed.
She's so fat, she smells like bacon frying when she fucks.
Every time the judge says "order in the court" she says "I'll have a Quarter-Pounder with cheese."
A deposit in the booty bank.
When the dinner bell rings... you can eat me.
Age is like a fine wine. After a certain point you turn sour, everything settles to the bottom, and they can't get rid of you quick enough.
I'm at an age where a birthday doesn't mean you're a year older, it means you're a year closer to death.
Porno mags. Naked and can't talk. That's the best part of it.
How else can you explain Christie Brinkley?
She wore a peek-a-boo nightie. First I peeked, then I booed.
She's so fat, she smells like bacon frying when she fucks.
Every time the judge says "order in the court" she says "I'll have a Quarter-Pounder with cheese."
A deposit in the booty bank.
When the dinner bell rings... you can eat me.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
She Could Suck The...
She could suck the butt off a cat.
Shave a little. You've got so much hair you don't need shorts.
Evolutionary failures.
I have a Constitutional right to expect a certain degree of tightness.
When we make love, your body will be on fire. No, really. I'm gonna pour gasoline on you and light it.
"Where's Louie?"
"Let's just say his temperature matches his temperment."
To paraphrase Will Rogers: "I never met a naked woman I didn't like."
She was resting her head in my lap, if you get my drift.
One wave shy of a wipe-out.
You know, in the animal world I'm sure you can find the rare example where the male of the species mates for life, or helps with the raising of the young, but I'll bet you that they don't remember birthdays or anniversaries either.
Shave a little. You've got so much hair you don't need shorts.
Evolutionary failures.
I have a Constitutional right to expect a certain degree of tightness.
When we make love, your body will be on fire. No, really. I'm gonna pour gasoline on you and light it.
"Where's Louie?"
"Let's just say his temperature matches his temperment."
To paraphrase Will Rogers: "I never met a naked woman I didn't like."
She was resting her head in my lap, if you get my drift.
One wave shy of a wipe-out.
You know, in the animal world I'm sure you can find the rare example where the male of the species mates for life, or helps with the raising of the young, but I'll bet you that they don't remember birthdays or anniversaries either.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Why Do All...
Why do all the NBA players keep asking when my wife is coming back into town?
I'd show you my new tattoo, but you probably won't recognize it. You may not remember what a naked woman looks like.
Nothing is less sexy than a stripper dancing to country music.
Bragging about... is like bragging about picking up a girl in a whorehouse.
V-bone steak, tube steak.
Moo Shoo Pork, Moo Goo Gai Pan, Cream Of Sum Yung Gai.
Coca-Cola, Pepsi Cola, Male-Cola.
When the baby starts calling you "daddy," it's time to break up.
Blues so bad.
You sleep so well, because you lie so easy.
I'd show you my new tattoo, but you probably won't recognize it. You may not remember what a naked woman looks like.
Nothing is less sexy than a stripper dancing to country music.
Bragging about... is like bragging about picking up a girl in a whorehouse.
V-bone steak, tube steak.
Moo Shoo Pork, Moo Goo Gai Pan, Cream Of Sum Yung Gai.
Coca-Cola, Pepsi Cola, Male-Cola.
When the baby starts calling you "daddy," it's time to break up.
Blues so bad.
You sleep so well, because you lie so easy.
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