If The Rollercoaster's Broken...

If the rollercoaster's broken, they don't close down the amusement park.

One's going to be a lawyer, one's going to need a lawyer.

I didn't do it to be rewarded, but if others ask "What if?" I ask "If what?"

Some people deserve a whole lot of leave-alone.

Slimey Joe

Stinky Joe

"Excuse me, but I was talking to Sloppy Joe here."

You could have the kind of interest in your kid that your parents didn't have in you.

A pit bull will rob you on Tuesday, and come back on Wednesday to ask you what happened.

Jesus Christ got three years.  Dick Lugar got thrity-five.  If that's not an argument for term limits, I don't know what is.

She's Living...

"She's living high on the hog."
     "She looks like she's living on every part of the hog."

People are having babies jus to have something to eat.

Only Christians will go to Heaven.  Even our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, won't be let in, because, as we all know, Jesus was a Jew.

There's nothing I hate more.  And that includes the Taliban and La Macarena.

The Godfather and Luca Brasi, Slip and Satch, Chico and Harpo, Ren and Stimpy, Dracula and Renfeld, Of Mice and Men, Renalto and Albin

Dave's Pawn Shop  216 S. El Paso  El Paso, TX  79901

Black Betty, Pieces of April, Jim Dandy to the Rescue

"I can dance like it's going out of style."
     "It IS going out of style."

And she said yes, because it helps the joke.

Nothing is pre-history.  Everything is historic.  Nothing is pre-history.

I Used To Date A...

I used to date an anorexic girl.  I confined our sex life to her giving me blow jobs.  Not because I enjoyed it so much, because I did, but because she looked like she could use the protein.
     I saved her life!

I used to date an anorexic girl.  I don't know if it was because she was hungry or not, but she gave a great blow job, and, believe me, I know.  I was in the Navy.

I break the cookies in half to let the calories excape.

Toward the end of my first marriage, I'd wake up in the morning in bed, look at my wife, and feel like that movie producer in the movie The Godfather.

Her eyes look like where love goes to die.

I looked into her eyes, and I felt like my soul was being sucked out of me...  and not through my penis, like is so often the case. 

And not in that sex-act-that-dare-not-say-its-name kind of way.

You order shit, you eat shit!

Tsunami?  More like "yo' mommy!"

He took it on the chin, and not like Rock Hudson.

Crying Kids...

Crying kids and a nagging wife is nature's way to get the man out of the house.

Men get sleepy after sex because it's nature's way to make sure he doesn't leave.

All a man needs is a maid and a dog.

A lot of smart men make stupid mistakes when it comes to pussy.

"Now where was I?"
"Same place as me.  In bed between her legs."

I've gotten many things out of pity...  and I enjoyed them all just as much.

I'd like to go to the opening between her legs.

Men are like dogs.  Treat them accordingly.

If I ever paid $200 for a shirt, it better come with a vagina.

Why do men prefer younger women?  Wouldn't you?

You Can't Be Older Than...

You can't be older than my ex-wife and still be alive.

Congratulations.  You figured it out.  Buy yourself a Snicker's bar.

I don't like graffiti.  unless it teaches me something.  Like anatomy.

She was licking on me like a snow cone at the county fair.

iPad Because iCan

Some call it addiction, others call it opportunity.

A Disposable Life

The Disposable Baby

Like my posts...  I'd rather make people laugh, but I'll settle for making them mad.

I always feel embarrassed when I fart while I'm girl-watching.

     thethingaboutmarriage.blogspot.com

She's So Easy

She's so easy Roger Ebert gives her two thumbs up...  her ass!

I love Las Vegas.  It's the only town where you won't get in trouble for hitting on 13.

Cigarettes are expensive, so you should quit buying them, but I bet you'll quit buying something else instead...  like medicine.

In the future, Spanglish will be the United States'official language, we'll spell phonetically with abreviations, and we'll have no vowels or numbers.

I'm really good at sex.  It's just hard to tell, because it's over so quick.

"I left early."
"Were you having a bad time?"
"No.  Actually, I was having a pretty good time."
"Then why would you leave?"
"What?"
"I can understand leaving if you weren't having a good time, but I don't understand having a good time and not staying.  Maybe if the cops showed up, or the bullets start flying."

To make a negative individual more positive, first make them wear an electric shock collar.  Then, whenever they say something negative, give them a nice jolt.  After awhile, they'll either become more positive, or they'll quit whining.  Either way, the world's a better place.

The love you have for your child is hard to describe.  Imagine the love you have for your dog.  It's almost as strong as that.

What A Bird Thinks:  "Thank you, God!  You've blessed me with the gift of flight... but I'd rather be stuck inside this cage.

She's so fat, if you want to have sex with her doggy-style, all you have to do is put a bowl of food on the floor.


The Thing About Marriage  @
     thethingaboutmarriage.blogspot.com
          jimduchene.blogspot.com
               @JimDuchene

I Thought About It...

I thought about it long.  I thought about it hard.  And not in the way that would get me gay benefits from the city of El Paso.

The word on the turd is...

A friend once told me he wanted to have sex with eagles.
     "So you can fly?" I asked him.
     "No," he said.  "I just want to have sex with an eagle."

I support disarmament of the violent criminal.

Law & Order:  El Paso

At the last minute I filed a restraining order.

Little person or little fucker?

He had that drunk eyes locked on nothing look.

...and puttered out of there in our Fred Flintstone car.

Both boobs a-blazin'!

     thethingaboutmarriage.blogspot.com
          @JimDuchene

Aroma Therapy For Men

The smell of...

A Wedding Ring
     Will make a man feel trapped.

A New Baby
     Has no effect on him whatsoever.  Besides, it may not even be his.

A New Woman
     A man will risk losing everything for the chance to sleep with a new woman.  After that, he never wants to see her again for the rest of his life.  Or until he gets horny again.  Whichever comes first.

A Home-Cooked Meal
     My ex-wife's cooking was so bad that we once gave leftovers to the homeless...  and they gave them back.

The Ocean
     The amount of salt in the ocean is the same amount of salt that's in our bodies.  In leiu of nothing funny to say, I thought I'd give you an interesting fact.

His Paycheck
     Will often make a man feel sad for two reasons.  One is that he knows he won't have it in his possession for very long, and the second is that he realizes that his paycheck is the only thing his wife is willing to blow.

The Best Defense

Can't get your little soldier to salute?  That's okay.  It's probably her fault, anyway.  Even if it's not, it's a good idea to make her think it is.

Ten Things Men Say When...Well, You Know

1.  I Blame YOU!

2.  Damn that ObamaCare thing!

3.  What?  Oh, nothing.  I was thinking about soething else.

4.  It must have been something you said.

5.  It must have been something you did.

6.  It must have been those extra pounds you put on.

7.  You're not feeding me right.

8.  C'mon, you're not really trying.

9.  My mom's been sick.

10.  It must be that medicine I took.

Oxytocin/Vasopressin

Her pussy was easier to get into than a Democrat's voting booth.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the speed to kick the ass of anybody who gets in my way.

If God's a woman, does that make the Devil a man?

Do you know what would look good on you?  Me.

Get the freak on.

If your wife always has her orgasm before her favoite soap opera comes on...  she might be faking it.

Jam your ham.

If there's ever a nuclear war, cockaroaches and my ex-wives are all that's gonna survive.

So ugly, when he was born her daddy went to the zoo and shot the monkey.

Want your wife to show enthusiam during sex?  Try taping a fifty dollar bill to the ceiling. 

Get The Freak On

If she has her orgasm a few minutes before the Kardashians come on, she may be faking.

Whip your skippy.

If there's a nuclear war, Bill Clinton's gonna be what's left.

I don't know what happened.  Things were going great, until she caught me playing her piano with my dick.

The Seven Deadly Sins:  Sleepy, Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Doc, Horny... and Murder!

"I guess you don't like me much."
     "I don't like you at all."

Hornier than a drunken Kennedy.

There's enough religion in the world to make men hate each other, but not enough to make them love each other.

The sex was so good you would have thought we were related.

She's so ugly her OB-GYN's a vet.

Me, Too.

Carlos "I Can Take An Ass-Kicking" Navar

Age is like a fine wine.  After a certain point you turn sour, everything settles to the bottom, and they can't get rid of you quick enough.

I'm at an age where a birthday doesn't mean you're a year older, it means you're a year closer to death.

Porno mags.  Naked and can't talk.  That's the best part of it.

How else can you explain Christie Brinkley?

She wore a peek-a-boo nightie.  First I peeked, then I booed.

She's so fat, she smells like bacon frying when she fucks.

Every time the judge says "order in the court" she says "I'll have a Quarter-Pounder with cheese."

A deposit in the booty bank.

When the dinner bell rings...  you can eat me.

She Could Suck The...

She could suck the butt off a cat.

Shave a little.  You've got so much hair you don't need shorts.

Evolutionary failures.

I have a Constitutional right to expect a certain degree of tightness.

When we make love, your body will be on fire.  No, really.  I'm gonna pour gasoline on you and light it.

"Where's Louie?"
     "Let's just say his temperature matches his temperment."

To paraphrase Will Rogers:  "I never met a naked woman I didn't like."

She was resting her head in my lap, if you get my drift.

One wave shy of a wipe-out.

You know, in the animal world I'm sure you can find the rare example where the male of the species mates for life, or helps with the raising of the young, but I'll bet you that they don't remember birthdays or anniversaries either.

Why Do All...

Why do all the NBA players keep asking when my wife is coming back into town?

I'd show you my new tattoo, but you probably won't recognize it.  You may not remember what a naked woman looks like.

Nothing is less sexy than a stripper dancing to country music.

Bragging about...  is like bragging about picking up a girl in a whorehouse.

V-bone steak, tube steak.

Moo Shoo Pork, Moo Goo Gai Pan, Cream Of Sum Yung Gai.

Coca-Cola, Pepsi Cola, Male-Cola.

When the baby starts calling you "daddy," it's time to break up.

Blues so bad.

You sleep so well, because you lie so easy.

Body By Pillsbury

Man, some of my ex-wife's friends look hot.

She could suck the ham off a hog.

Served up nice and hot.

There's something different about you.  Oh, yeah...  you've got your clothes on.

My ex-wife's legs were glued together from lack of interest.

They'll eat tripe, but they won't eat pussy.

Working out your sphincter muscle.

I went through the girls in my college like Sherman through the south.

"Hey, boy, bring your sister to me later for some copulating."
     "Okay.  Jes doan be having no sex with her."

He's the top.  You're the bottom.